Misadventures in Pyroland
by ThisStatementIsFalse
Summary: The Quest for Reindoonicorn! Forth spinoff in the Misadventures of the RED Team series
1. Once Upon A Time

**'Sup folks!**

**As per request of my real-life bro Foodthatfarts, this spinoff is all about the magicalness of Pyroland!**

**Oh God.**

**Anyway, yeah, to fully understand why some stuff is here, this is the story order; Misadventures of the RED Team/2, Dare Games, Base Repairs, Flunking With Portals, and now this :p**

**Hope you enjoy it guys! :D**

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Chapter One – Once Upon A Time

~RED BASE~

In the midst of war, brutal combat with the BLUs to be expected any and all hours, the RED Pyro was capable of one powerful, blazing emotion, and that one emotion only. Through fire and devastation, behind enemy lines and behind and equally terrifying gasmask, the Pyro could only feel…

HAPPY-HAPPY-HAPPINESS!

Pyro flounced across the battlefield the RED base had become; whether conscious of it or not protecting the building in a matter of life and death. On either side, the pyrotechnician was flanked by its friends and teammates Scout and Soldier.

Scout pulled ahead swiftly- the first merc to reach and assault the oncoming robots. Bullets were flying and the bloodshed got fully underway; the men screeching throaty war cries and unleashing RED Hell itself.

~PYROLAND~

Pyro strode through a sea of laughter and fun, arriving at the frontlines and grinning in delight behind the gas filter. Tiny silver-blue robots with adorable heart-shaped eyes welcomed the RED with a chorus of cheers.

Pyro, unable to contain its excitement a single _teeny _moment longer, let loose with the rainblower. Sparkles washed freely over the little robots, warming their very cores.

Giving a thumbs up to the Balloonicorn hovering over its shoulder and whinnying in glee, Pyro continued forward into the thick of the game, flashing a bright wave as its buddy Demo caught up and hurried on past.

Pyro chuckled good-naturedly; always in such a rush, kids these days.

The merc looked around to its friends. Scout and Soldier were next to each other, Heavy and Medic were next to each other, Demoman was nearby all of them and Spy was nowhere to be found. Pyro noted with a tad of urgency that Engineer and Sniper must currently be alone.

THIS NEEDED TO BE RESOLVED. Nobody got lonely on Pyro's watch.

It made its merry way to Engy first (brightening a few robots' spirits on passing) who just finished building one of his toys. Pyro squeed- its favourite one; the sweetie dispenser. The RED picked up the pace.

~REALITY~

The Engineer stepped back from his finished dispenser, facing the fighting again to see Pyro approaching.

"Well hey there Pyro," he said pleasantly, "gotta recharge yer flame thrower?"

Whatever that translated to in Pyro's mind, it made the merc smile and nod enthusiastically. Operation: make sure Engy's okay was a go! In a perfect world, Pyro said this;

"Hello dear chap! I came to check if you are well!"

But the world ain't perfect. Engy only heard garbled nonsense. The defence class tried to smile nicely, hoping Pyro wouldn't notice how bewildered and stained the expression was,

"Uh…" _Oh God just say something say anything, _"Fine, thank you?" Engy scratched the base of his neck uncomfortably, slightly shifting his hardhat. He breathed out in relief when Pyro bade him a bright, 'Hudda!" and flounced off, heading for the RED base.

The Engineer shrugged and went back to wrangling his sentry, firmly telling Teddy Roosebelt no, he could not have a turn.

Now quite far from the robot onslaught, Pyro reached the side of the building and scurried up the rungs of the ladder there. It set foot on the sniping platform in time to hear,

"Boom. Headshot!" Yup, there was Sniper!

~PYROLAND~

The little kiddie with the awesome hat and sick shades thankfully didn't seem upset in any way, even though he was alone. In fact the Sniper was looking rather contented, launching rainbow bolts of some description into the mass of robots.

Going by that, Pyro figured the best way to keep him company was to join in. Pyro stepped up, nodded to its surprised teammate and plucked a party popper from its belt.

~REALITY~

Pyro lobbed a napalm grenade into the now diminishing crowd of robots, and all the mercs below visibly flinched as the destruction rained down. They backed off to a safe range… so yeah, right against the front of the base.

Sniper tiptoed past Pyro and slid down the ladder to join them, leaving the oblivious pyromaniac to sit there, watch the explosion, and pet something at its side.

"So," Soldier broke the post-battle silence, standing proudly to attention, "I think we won!" Glancing over the puddle of ex-robots, Spy felt inclined to agree;

"I suppose we did. Now who's going to clear that up?"

Everyone looked to the new scrap heap in horror.

"Not it." Scout laid down swiftly, hightailing it into the base. The Demoman similarly excused himself;

"No me either!" Although he was pretty drunk at the time and missed the door, instead blundering into a window.

Ignoring this, the other mercs frantically called their objections to doing the task. Soldier also sneaked inside at some point, but the others soon resorted to a massive brawl on the doorstep.

Pyro peeked upside down over the edge of the balcony, wondering what all the fuss was about. Aw, the guys were playing again, how sweet!

~PYROLAND~

Balloonicorn sat on Pyro's head as the merc stood, stretching out a few kinks with some elaborate yoga poses. The squishy unicorn flinched as Pyro's back cracked quite loudly, and suddenly the pair of them tumbled off the balcony. Oh. Oh dear.

Fortunately, friendly Medic was waiting to catch them.

~REALITY~

"AH PYRO GET OFF DUMMKOPF!" Flattened Medic cried, and Heavy screeched something about 'Pyro from the sky' and dove for cover. Spy smirked as the doctor shoved Pyro off and clambered wearily up.

"Aw, Medic, be nice!" the support class sniggered. Then Pyro approached him with a lighter. "Oookay, I'm going to leave now!" He cloaked and presumably left.

Pyro looked questioningly at the lighter, wondering why Spy would fear the tiny rainbow. Meh, no matter. The Engineer zoned out from the above and set about packing his buildings away;

"Well, we sure sent them robots off," he commented, pulling his welding goggles down as to see better in the fading light of dusk. "Shame 'bout all that scrap metal…"

Abruptly the team remembered they had been fighting about that. Self consciously they paused, unsure if they should continue.

"…Yeah, I'm gonna go," Sniper announced quietly, tipping his hat and shuffling into the base. With assorted musings, the team followed suit.

~MEANWHILE~

"Hey Soldier?" Scout sauntered into the central room, where the merc in question sat, "Y'know how we're, like, best friends and stuff?" Soldier blinked, turning to his teammate.

"We are?"

Scout sighed lengthily, replying, "Yeah, it's the author's headcanon now." The pair of them shrugged at the forth wall. "Anyhow, I gotta plan, right? We get all that scrap metal outside, craft a freakin' million hats, then take over the world!"

"Son, that plan makes no sense. I LOVE IT. LET'S GO."

They ran out of the base, grabbing Medic's Aperture turret on the way out. He was going to be the brains of the operation, apparently.

The other mercenaries watched, mildly concerned, as Scout and Soldier squished past them in the hallway.

"Try not to kill Prometheus…" Medic called wearily after them. Archimedes fluttered onto the doctor's shoulder, wondering what the turret's chances were. With that, the team continued to the central room for a well-earned rest.

Except of course for Pyro, (main character of the fic you see) who wandered outside, whistling all the while.

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**IT BEGINS.**

**Thanks for reading! :3**


	2. Quest for Reindoonicorn

**You guys, right, you guys**

**You are the best :D**

**(Oh yeah I don't own TF2 m'kay)**

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Chapter Two- The Quest For Reindoonicorn

~OUTSIDE RED BASE~

Somehow, Scout and Soldier had in fact managed to craft somewhere in the region of one hundred hats from the robot remains. Scout smooshed another hat into existence;

"Whaddya think, Pro?" he asked Prometheus. The turret stared critically.

"Throughout history, men have worn hats as a way of showing how much better they are than other men," he offered after a pause. Scout's ego converted the statement into praise, and he ran off happily.

The Soldier meanwhile, rocket jumped back and forth, casting a different shadow every time he sailed overhead as he made more hats. Stopping only because he needed to reload, the merc said;

"I don't even remember what the rest of the plan was. Let's go blow up stuff!"

Immediately on board, Scout shed hats until only donning his default baseball cap and both the REDs (and Prometheus) left to find crud to explode.

Pyro appeared on the scene then, walking contentedly along. The melodic chirping of a loquacious songbird provided peaceful background music, and – _holy crap look at all those hats._

~PYROLAND~

"Gosh, Pyro, look at all the hats!" Balloonicorn neighed, hovering above its awestruck friend. The merc nodded excessively with an excited little clap. This display of happiness, albeit short, made _dat thing _happen again; Balloonicorn's hearty Pyroland magic came forth.

Right.

Into.

The.

Hats.

Picture a whirlpool. Envision the torrential spiral of water spinning dramatically like some kind of epic spinning top. Great, now combine that with a swarm of pissed off bees shaped like hats.

That's ideally what was going on.

"Holy Companion Cube at a tea party!" Balloonicorn squeaked, watching said spectacle. Pyro reached up and held the unicorn comfortingly to its chest, then – with minimal thought or actual motivation – the RED strode to the trippy hat formation.

Murmuring something like 'Wow…' Pyro gradually shuffled closer as the hats formed a giant circle. Well. That was practically an invitation.

Much to its inflatable pal's displeasure, Pyro rushed forward and jumped into the hat portal. With a brilliant flash of light, the pair of them vanished into thin air.

* * *

"…This did not just happen."

"Dear God I hope not."

Scout and Soldier then left to go get tacos.

* * *

~AN UNKNOWN LAND~

Oddly enough, Pyro had never given the concept of Heaven much thought. _Now, _though, the merc was positive on the idea of Heaven's existence.

Skylengths of snow stretched ahead, the slopes dyed grey-blue in the evening light. Iridescent crystals protruded from the ground in shades of purple, scattered randomly but each looking as if it belonged. To either side stood tall pine trees, strangely cuddly despite the abundance of green needles on them.

Pyro squeed like the little child it probably was- this place was freaking awesome! The giddy pyromaniac tromped through the thick blanket of snow, every footprint housing a small shadow even under the full moon's gaze.

Balloonicorn, looking particularly sparkly in this background, suddenly gave a gasp of recognition;

"Pyro!" The RED snapped to attention. "This is the fabled realm of the Reindoonicorn!"

Immediately Pyro shrieked like a little fangirl/boy 'Really!?' before taking off, running like that awkward day Soldier unboxed the disciplinary action.

It had a mission now- it was gonna darn well _find _that Reindoonicorn!

~BACK AT THE BASE~

"Did any of ye get the feelin' w'missed a lot just now?" the Demoman asked, a puzzled frown clouding his expression. "Y'know… _plot important _stoof?"

Engy glanced up from his dispenser, which incidentally finally had the secondary function of 'toaster'.

"Yeah actu'ly. Mah Engy senses were tinglin'," he said, standing and affectionately petting his dispenser. Heavy, Medic and Sniper shrugged impassively, their attention focused more on their card game around the table. Spy surveyed the room from his designated smoking corner;

"The offense classes are missing," he observed, "Do you think they-"

"YAY TWENTY ONE!" Heavy suddenly interjected, triumphantly chucking his cards down.

"Uh, Heavy? We're playin' poker, mate. Not blackjack." Sniper sighed, and Heavy adopted the crestfallen look of a kicked puppy.

Medic merely facepalmed.

~REALM OF THE REINDOONICORN~

Pyro had quickly discovered that running through deep snow was quite difficult; that was lesson one. Lesson two was _do not _stub your toe on one of those crystals. Balloonicorn however encountered neither of those problems and jauntily floated over the merc's head.

The pair of them made steady progress anyhow, assuming of course they were headed the right direction. Ha ha ha, wait- this is a fairytale! Of course it's the right way!

Gladly accepting that as legit, Pyro put on a burst of speed and all but flew to the edge of the tree line.

"Hudda!" the childish merc exclaimed gleefully, for suddenly in the near distance appeared a castle. A FREAKIN' CASTLE, MAN.

Balloonicorn caught up then, landing on Pyro's shoulder with several high-pitched little pants. Pyro turned to face the unicorn, then raised a trembling-with-excitement arm to point at the grand, elegant tower. Balloonicorn perked up immediately;

"_Ohmygoshthat'sitlet'sgorealquickpancakesareaweso mehurryPyrohurry!_"

The two Reindoonicorn super-fans wasted no time and casually teleported to the castle, swaggering to the massive doorway. To their surprise a parrot of all things perched on the door handles to meet them.

"This is the home of Reindoonicorn!" it squawked in an accent Pyro couldn't place, "But he's GONE! Taken! You must be chosen or something! Go forth and find him!"

Pyro nodded all determined-like and jogged away in slow motion, the noble steed Balloonicorn alongside.

I don't understand what's going on either.

~RED BASE~

Soldier and Scout eventually returned to the rec room, and somehow the latter had lost a tooth during a rocket jump lesson. Currently he was telling everyone how he was gonna put it under his pillow and be freakin' rich the next day. Medic attempted to make a point,

"Scout, you know zhere's no such thing as zhe tooth fairy, don't you?"

Scout turned around and promptly slapped him in the face.

"Asshole- you just killed a fairy!"

To break the stunned silence, Engy asked;

"Uh, fellas? Where's Pyro?" Soldier suddenly blanched, avoiding making eye contact with anyone.

"Oh, y'know… into a vortex of hats. The usual." He put on a massive, fake yawn, "Wow I am tired see you men later." Heavy grabbed him before he could leave though.

"I'm tinking that was your fault," the defence class said. Soldier grinned innocently. Demo sighed,

"Reckon w'gotta find the lad… lass… Pyro, then." The mercs abandoned their card game (well, multiple card games. They spliced several.) and moved out.

"Let's see if RV'll come with," Sniper suggested, leading the way to the garage. And that was when the team found out that RV likes to sit in her Transformer form and have debates with Archimedes and Teddy Roosebelt. The topic was something about squirrels.

"You would think something like this should surprise us…" Spy mused. Eventually the REDs clambered into RV-shaped-RV and drove for the hat portal.

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**'DOCTOR! Are you sure this chapter makes sense!?'**

**'I HAVE NO IDEA!'**


	3. Happily Ever After

**Thanks for reading guys, hope you liked it :p**

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Chapter Three – Happily Ever After

~?~

RV burst violently through the hat portal like one of those scary-ass funfair rides, making half the REDs scream and the other half furiously try not to barf. Everyone collectively shook to battle the headaches, and Sniper peered out the windshield.

"Well. That's lovely," he muttered with false enthusiasm.

Dead pine trees devoid of their needles bordered a narrow path of brittle snow. Broken beer bottles littered the trail.

"I miss the time when things made sense," Spy stared wistfully into the distance. The team turned on him, eyes asking when exactly _that _was. "Before I met all of _you_, obviously."

The others pouted.

"Let's just go find Pyro and leave…" Medic (who had somehow gotten away with calling shotgun) pointed out the sole line of footprints ahead. Deciding that was a decent idea, RV drove herself forward.

Soon the tree-skeletons were behind them, and, oddly enough, they came across the ruins of a castle. An old one. They drew up by the gaping doorway, finding a parrot-shaped tourist board which read;

'Welcome to' – here the name had faded – 'Home of the famous reindeer statue!' The remainder had been clumsily carved into the sign, "Yeah, so, someone stole the statue. If you find it bring it back, yeah? _Norewardokay._'

The mercs blinked, exchanged glances, and wordlessly cruised around the building.

~REALM OF THE REINDOONICORN~

Pyro was FEARLESS.

Pyro was BRAVE.

Pyro was fearless and brave and- OH SWEET JESUS A RIVER.

Pyro flinched at the sight of water but rather stupidly forgot to stop running. Hey, kids! Looks like it's time for another episode of 'Pyromaniacs Defy Physics'! *Cue upbeat music*

A rough approximation of Do You Believe in Magic? spluttered its way through Pyro's gasmask as the RED bade gravity farewell and zipped over the river. Huzzah…?

Pyro adopted a grim expression; that had been close. Well, _maybe _it was grim. Chances are it was a _grin_. Ha ha.

Either way Pyro then broke some kind of space law and pulled the rainblower out from somewhere. Y'know, those trees could actually do with a little cheer…

~NEAR THE CASTLE~

The team lost Pyro's trail on a riverbank. _Great_. It could have gone any direction! There were no clues whatsoever as to where-

"So we follow the smoke?" Engy suggested flatly.

Sounds like a plan.

~O'ER IN YE OLD PYROLAND~

Much better! The land positively glowed with happiness.

Pyro hugged the rainblower and skipped onward, feeling a lot better. The merc and Balloonicorn epic-reindeer-saving duo crested a hill, thinking how cool they must've looked standing against the rainbow background. Disclaimer; wasn't that cool really.

Huh. They could see something in the near distance, but what? It seemed to be moving anyway, and – because that generally meant 'life form is here' – they moved toward it. Eventually Pyro could make out the shape of the Thing- human. SHOCK HORROR.

As you kids at home know, Pyro sees just about everybody as sweet little kiddies, even the enemy team. This bloke though- nasty looking fellow. Pyro went into serious mode and Balloonicorn stretched its forelegs in preparation to do some punching.

Unicorns get away with these things. Because magic, that's why.

Anyhow, with an air of 'who needs stealth!?' they charged toward the guy, smashing through the undergrowth with all the grace of Demoman leaving a bar. Needless to say the dude quickly spotted the flame-retardant-suit-and-gasmask clad figure approaching and wisely fled.

Pyro bolted after him, trying to scream something about justice but not making much sense. Unfortunately the merc failed to anticipate the villain would have two mates armed with _water guns_. Pyro halted, projecting 'You WOULDN'T' with its pose.

Actually they would, but then;

"ARGHHHHH!" the entire RED team screeched. RV shot in from nowhere and tackled the three guys, which apparently turned on ragdoll mechanics as they flew away to the side. Pyro and Balloonicorn cheered.

The other eight mercs jumped out before RV fully stopped and swarmed their lost-and-found teammate. _Italics _is what they said, **bold **is what Pyro heard;

"_What were you doing!?"_

"**How fares your quest?**"

"_What were you THINKING!?_"

"**Did you save Reindoonicorn!?**"

"_Goddammit Pyro!_"

"**Rainbows!**"

"_**We were worried about you.**_"

Several minutes and many failed interpretations later the team had established basically what was going on. Out of fear of getting bored, they soon agreed to help save Reindoonicorn/the reindeer statue. In order to do that though they were going to need to go on a little trip.

"What did ya say these're called? Pyrovision goggles?" Engy looked dubiously down at the eyewear Pyro had given them, then reluctantly swapped his welding goggles for them. "…Oh God."

"What the bloodeh…?" Demo blinked at what had been a beer bottle in his grip before, but now appeared to be a carton of fruit juice.

The team had mixed views on Pyro's world.

"Well c'mon then!" Everyone jumped at the voice, and turned to see Balloonicorn hovering amidst them. "Let's go rescue Reindoonicorn!"

Sniper blinked, acknowledging the existence of the floating pink unicorn.

"You explain _so _much," he said flatly. With nods of agreement and glances at innocent wee Pyro, the mercs filed into the trees, RV cruising after them.

If Scout was bothered by the abundance of rainbows, he didn't mention it. Spy was about to make jokes about it when something occurred to him.

"How do you know if we are going the right way?" he asked, subtly fearing the answer.

"Magic would never guide us wrong." Heavy stared critically at Spy, wearing the most Goddamn terrifying expression imaginable. Everyone besides Pyro subconsciously took their weapons out and shuffled away from the unblinking Heavy. That's when they saw how different their guns looked.

"Holy crap, my rocket launcher shoots rainbow fireworks. AWESOME!" Soldier enjoyed that a lot. Some would say too much.

Just then though, the team heard hushed voices over to the side;

"Did you see that? Oh my God what if it's the fuzz coming for the reindeer!?"

That blatant lack of subtlety provided a hint of a clue for the REDs. They all whipped around to face that way, then simply… stared. Intensely. The tension was visibly building inside Soldier;

"Why aren't we attacking yet?" he whined, very manly.

"Because ve are vaiting," Medic explained, "I've been boring in zhis fic so now I have to do something really cool… LIKE SUMMON LIGHTNING!"

Unfortunately, lightning isn't particularly badass in Pyroland. Fortunately, Medic summoned instead a double rainbow.

Squealing because that was so awesome, the nine mercs, one RV, one Balloonicorn, one dove and one teddy barrelled toward the voices.

Two of those shady suspicious types were in a clearing, and – _OMGWTHBBQ so was Reindoonicorn! _Pyro reacted without hesitation. It leaped onto the rainblower like a broomstick and flew at the villains, sending them blasting off agaaain!

"…That was random," Scout deadpanned. But yay! Reindoonicorn was saved!

"Huzza," the team offered rather unenthusiastically, briefly raising their hats. Pyro and Reindoonicorn had some kind of in-depth conversation, but frankly I can't understand anything Pyro says so it could have been about ice skating dragons for all I know.

Apparently though it was decided Reindoonicorn would move into the RED base, much to the delight of Balloonicorn. With that, the odd progression made their jolly way back to the hat portal, accompanied by the loveable, innocent-

"Wait, uh… do I have to pay rent?"

This was going to be interesting.

**The End!**

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**Short but sweet :3**

**Sickeningly sweet...**

**More spinoffs to come! Byeee**


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